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[personal profile] ladderax
Written for [livejournal.com profile] dremiel
Originally posted at this Halloween meme




I HOPE YOU DON'T JUDGE ME FOR WRITING THIS IN FIRST PERSON. *orz*


Materials needed:
One bucket of water
Rocks
Tinder (tiny twigs)
Kindling (larger twigs)
Fuel (logs)
One medium-sized Arthur


1. Clear all debris from the area.

2. Gather sizable rocks to make a ring to contain the fire. For added fun, shine your flashlight on Arthur's bum while he's bending over, and flick it off quickly just before he turns around. When he asks why you're just standing around and not helping, tell him that a) this forest doesn't carry your brand of rocks b) "gathering rocks" means something quite different in England and you're terribly sorry for the cross-cultural misunderstanding c) Nothing. Run.

3. If you don't have an Arthur, I recommend that you try to acquire a passable substitute. Arthurs, like shoes and chocolate, are the sort of thing one should never skimp on. They might be a bit pricey, but consider it an investment.

4. Gather wood. You will need four different kinds of wood. The kinds you put in the fire are called tinder, kindling, and fuel.

5. Begin by throwing a couple of handfuls of tinder into the ring. Tell Arthur about the time you summoned a demon by performing a ritual with fire; suggest subtly that you might not have got completely rid of it. (His name is Boboliel. He has the body of a goat and the head of a decorative cactus, the sort with the pink balls, and he gets his power from feeding on the sexual energy of pretty thirty-something American blokes with brown eyes and huge shoe closets and every Yes album on vinyl.)

6. Arthur is completely rational and will definitely not be terrified.

7. Just like he wasn't terrified when you watched "Gremlins" and afterward he crawled into your bed clutching his gun and buried his face in your chest whispering "I know it's ridiculous, I just feel like they're out there."

8. Dear God, Yes is terrible.

9. Strike a match and ignite the tinder. Ignore Arthur's Smokey the Bear jokes.

10. Especially ignore him when the jokes begin to turn into sexual innuendos about your chest hair and/or the size of your arms/penis

11. Blow softly at the base of the fire.

12. No, Arthur, the base of the fire.

13. Add kindling when tinder has begun to burn.

14. Add fuel in shape of either crisscross or tepee. Fight with Arthur over best shape. WARNING: he will throw all sorts of statistics and engineering principles at you. Pretend to listen while building a tiny replica of The Little House on the Prairie out of twigs.

15. Blame a month of mono and Arthur's childhood nostalgia for that one.

16. Congratulations! If you have not yet been eaten by bears/shot in the groin by SOMEBODY'S (not naming names) makeshift bow and arrow/gagged and tied to a tree, you now have yourself a campfire. You can warm your hands, cook your food. You may notice that Arthur has a warm, friendly glow. (It's just a trick of the light, but enjoy it while it lasts.) It's now time to celebrate.

17. I don't think I need to tell you how to do that.

18. Mmmm. Oh God, that's--don't stop. Oh. Yes.

19. Yes.

20. FUCK.

22. Yes.

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la pellegrina

May 2012

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